i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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