I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize