After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
