I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
