Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
