I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
