what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
