yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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