I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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