Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She even gives head with a lisp.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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