I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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