insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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