No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
