I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
