Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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