the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
