literally had 100 drinks last night.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
