TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
