I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
