I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
