i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
