I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
