Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
