I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
