connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
