Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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