So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
