You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
