I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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