Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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