Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
