And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
