Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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