I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
