can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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