I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
