You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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