My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Randomize
