If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
