I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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