If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
