he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
