i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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