Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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