Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
