I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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