I wish I could punch you in the face.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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