Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Your cock deserves a montage
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
