Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
