I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
