Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
