Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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