he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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