Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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