I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
