she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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