I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
