You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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