but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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