Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
