Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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