I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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