My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
