Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
