I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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