they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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