Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
