My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
