my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
